Duct-Tape Hearts
by Talking like a Lion
Summary: "You must never cheat, for once you start it is nearly impossible to stop"
1. Chapter 1

A/N Hi guys! I feel kinda bad because this is really angsty and made me have to read lots of fluffy Clace to get over it. Everybody's been writing about Jace cheating on Clary and her leaving and so on, so I wanted to put my own spin on the cliché. It most likely will not be continued, unless people really want it to. I have to say, this is the hardest thing I have ever worked on in my fanfiction experience, so I really hope that you enjoy it. Please read and review! Side note, you must listen to the song "Coffee and Cigarettes" while you are reading, it makes the experience much more memorable.

"You must never ever cheat, because once you start, it is far too difficult to stop"

It was just one time. Just once. Jace and Clary had had their worst argument yet, screaming and throwing things and deadly soft and cruel whispers. She had stormed out of the Institute, too angry and hurt for tears. Her absence left the shadows to start seeping into Jace's vision, crawling inside of him and leaving him at the mercy of his personal demons. But then the cycle had started and he just couldn't stop and before he even knew it he was grabbing car keys and running down the stairs, just wanting to feel okay. And she was so very pretty with blonde hair and icy eyes that he just couldn't help himself. And not once did he think of _her_ and of her startling green eyes and crimson hair because sometimes he just can't think without being torn to shreds.

But then it was the next morning and he's sobbing at the foot of his bed and praying to any and every god he can think of. And then it was okay, he loved her and she loved him with every fiber of her body and he couldn't survive without her. It was heaven for a little while because she didn't know and he tried to make himself forget, and for a while he could.

They fought again though. This time Jace wasn't even drunk but he was there and there was some girl looking at him and oh god before he knew it it was happening again. That time he did see her instead of this girl he doesn't even know the name of. He saw Clary and her laugh and smile and fingers and a million other things he loved about her all flashing behind his eyelids. It's not enough, and why can't it be enough? Why couldn't he find the strength to leave and find her and kiss her and do the labors of Hercules a thousand times to get her to forgive him? So he gave in and waited for the unbearable guilt to drown him because he deserved it.

But then it started turning into a pattern. They weren't even fighting and it was happening. And every time he swore it would be the last time, even though he knew that he was lying to himself.

It had started killing him. If he thought he looked bad when Lilith was invading his dreams, he had another thing coming to him. He never ate or slept and the light started to drain out of his once mischievous and sparkling eyes. He thought he knew what drug addicts felt like now. He hated himself. He deserved to rot in the deepest pits of Hell for what he had done. And the very thing killing him starts to be the once thing that could take away the pain for a little while. He paid his soul for an hour of relief and a lifetime of misery.

This thing they called guilt was the absolute worst emotion human or demons or fairies or anything with a single emotion could ever possibly experience. He must quit this addiction but he couldn't.

She notices and then it's killing her too. She tried to talk and the words got stuck behind her bottom lip as she's trying. She thought it was her fault and that was the worst of anything. He loved her. He loved her so much but he's just in so very deep he was never digging himself out again.

Isabelle and Alec and Simon weren't idiots. They knew something was wrong. But how to fix it? That was something none of them could even attempt. Perhaps it was just as bad as them as it was for Clary. It was like watching a car accident that you were helpless to try and stop. Talking to Jace did nothing to help, Clary either. This façade that they were fine, that everything was perfect was pitiful to watch. But nobody could do anything to stop the incoming tragedy that was ticking down like a bomb.

Then Jace went to see Magnus on his own. It was a messy tear filled confession that even Magnus, who had seen an overwhelming sadness in his lifetime, could hardly bear to watch. He tried to find something that he could possibly do to try and duct tape together this impossibly broken boy. He said in a soft and mournful voice "Jace, please just tell her the truth. You know it's the right thing to do." "The right thing to do is dead in my world. If I could do that right thing I wouldn't be in this collision." He snarled, pure venom seeped into every syllable.

Then everybody's words were so stripped of emotion so that every kindness is cruelty and every cruelty kindness. Clary never drew anymore. Jace stopped playing the piano after he cracked on of the keys with the violence of his emotions pouring out of his fingertips. Isabelle only dressed in somber gray clothes. Alec got increasingly sloppy in training. Simon didn't read anime. That purgatory of a month was the worst of any of their lives. They treated Jace and Clary as if they had died, which were probably quite correct.

And then the end of the world came. And it was far worse than anything anyone could have imagined in his or her worst nightmares. Clary's fingers lightly gripped the hollowed out sides of Jace's cheekbones, silently begging him to come back to the hell of reality for a moment, just a moment. "Please tell me what's wrong. Please," she whispered, crystal tears cutting paths down the sides of her face. Jace would have denied that anything was wrong, if not for the sleeve that had slid down to reveal her delicate wrist with uniform red lines branded into it. She noticed his looking, realized what he had seen, and let something inside her break.

Later on, he would not be able to remember the words exchanged or tones of voice. Only her face, crumbling into a thousand pieces that would never be able to come back together again. It was that moment he realized that this relationship was never going to be fixed. He walked out the door, her kneeling on the floor, too fragmented to process or feel or even cry.

Maybe sometimes he could recall Isabelle's voice as he was outside, begging Clary to please tell her what had happened and what was wrong. Jace disappeared for a while, nowhere and everywhere at once. Alec visited him once, shedding bitter tears together in some abandoned decaying building. Jace asked how she was. Alec knew whom he meant. There was only one _she _these days. He responded with his voice laced in anger, sadness, and fear. "She's barely hanging on. We have to spend hours getting her to eat or drink. She won't talk, except to Simon. She says she's giving up the shadow world, going to live out her life as a mundane." That was the worst of any of the entire nightmare. She had so much potential to be the best Shadowhunter the world had ever seen. Jace had ruined it for her. Jace had ruined everything for her. Everything. Alec left Jace a mess, worse than he had been before Alec's visit.

Isabelle's visit was a completely different story. She appeared in her gear, whip flickering around her like a living thing. " What the hell were you thinking," she hissed viciously "do you have any idea how many lives you ruined, hearts you've broken?" His miserable look answered that question wordlessly. She crumpled to the floor; face buried in her knees "Please just tell me what you were thinking."

His response took some time to formulate "It all started when we got into a fight and it only happened once, then twice, and then it just snowballed and I didn't know how to possibly stop it. It killed me," he whispered, begging her to understand, even a little. "Simon and I broke up," she said suddenly, causing Jace to notice her blotchy face and shiny eyes "We both spent so much time trying to take care of Clary our relationship just…fizzled away. We're not getting back together, I don't think. Not ever."

"This is making me feel so much better, Iz," he said sharply, a hint of the old fire finding its way back into his tone. "You don't deserve to feel better" was her simple reply. Not angry or hurt, just stating the facts in a clinically detached way. "Do you think I don't know that or forget that for a single second?" he bit back in a vitriolic tone. With that, they were at a grudging peace, and Isabelle could mourn with him.

They spent a few hours reminiscing over memories and kisses and happiness until darkness fell, tears shed frequently. Before she left, Isabelle abruptly stopped and handed Jace something. "I don't know if this is going to help you or not," she said "but I think that you need it." With that final proclamation she left, melting into the soft black of the shadows.

He stared at the photograph in his hands. It was all of Team Good back together again. Jace was giving Clary a piggyback ride, with her leaning over to plant a sloppy kiss on his cheek. Isabelle and Simon held hands, grinning goofily at one another, the silliness of first loves shining through. Alec and Magnus stood together at the edge of the photo, laughing hysterically at some ridiculous sequined hat adorning Magnus's head. On the back was written in Clary's sweepingly messy cursive

"Who's to blame for a love that wouldn't bloom? It's not alright, but it's going to be okay."

-Clary

His love for Clary was a religion and he was forever a sinner.


	2. Clary

A/N I am so amazed by the reaction to this story, you are all so fabulous! I got a comment asking who the artist was for the song; it's by Michelle Featherstone. I also recommend "Let Her Go" by Passenger, as it pretty much perfectly sums up the plot. This is not exactly a continuation of the previous chapter, but everything that has happened from Clary's POV. R & R!

_"Staring at the ceiling in the dark/ same old empty feeling in your heart/ 'cause love comes slow and it goes so fast"_

Clary Fray was the living epitome of energy. Every emotion she felt was magnified and consuming, living through every molecule in her body. Maybe that was why she loved Jace. Lightning was oh-so-hard to come across in this life.

One of her greatest fears was her own insignificance. That one day, nobody would remember that she ever loved or hurt or destroyed or existed. It terrified her. But when she was with him, it dissipated. Maybe one day no one would remember her, but right now he loved her and maybe that was enough because God knows she would never forget feeling like this.

Everything was so perfect, despite the cliché; because of course nothing could ever be perfect, but it was. It was running messily in the dark, barefoot, with jackets slipping down to elbows and too-big smiles dancing in the wind. It was the driving through the city at night and feeling part of something so much bigger than you could imagine. And it was him holding her with a liquid gold smile and laughter bubbling like champagne. That nothing would ever get better than that moment frozen in time. Perhaps that was why, she paid for her happiness with misery.

That very first fight, she knew something was desperately wrong. They fought a lot, but this was different somehow. She felt like a microscopic crack had formed, however little it seemed, it was just going to keep growing until it had split them in two. They resolved whatever issue they had. She tricked herself into believing everything was okay, because if she kept pretending then eventually it would become true, right?

Wrong.

When Clary was little, perhaps five or six, she went to the zoo. There were all different animals at the zoo. Simon liked the monkeys, Clary preferred the zebras. The crowing moment of the day, however, was when she got a balloon. She couldn't remember the color; only that she didn't think she had ever had anything so perfect in her life. But when she wasn't looking, the balloon slipped out of her grasp and flew away. She stretched as far as she could reach, but it wasn't enough. She cried and begged for the balloon to come back to her, but it was gone.

Funny how similar childhood memories and realities were.

Then a few months past. Jace disappeared every single night, despite Clary's attempts to anchor him to her. That may have made her sound like a clingy girlfriend, but she didn't what else to do. Every night he came home smelling like perfume with his clothes disheveled. He was far too drunk to really remember what happened at two or three A. M every day. He would arrive and she would watch him stumble to bed and collapse. She'd sink to the floor of her room, curled up impossibly tiny in a ball. At first, she'd sob; wail loud enough for Isabelle to hear her down the hall. But then, she'd just sit and let the emotions seep out of her, pour the fear and sorrow into the air until she didn't feel anymore. It hurt less that way.

Everybody started trying to pull her back into reality, try to nail her down so she couldn't drift away again. She was too far-gone, though. Pencils seemed to slip out of her fingers, too bulky to keep a grip on. Oil paints smeared into messes. Without an escape, she slipped farther into her own insanity. Although it didn't appear that he was exactly walking on sunshine, either.

Then she began to wonder what was wrong with her, why wasn't she enough? She had sacrificed her old life for this new one, and what had she gained from it? It wasn't too clear anymore. Every time she tried to talk the words got stuck behind her bottom lip, clunking together. The world became monochromatic, the colors she once loved pushing her farther into oblivion, shadows snaking onto the backs of her eyelids.

She was never the confrontational type, but then again, she had never really met someone like Jace at all. Their Day of Reckoning took place on the kitchen floor. She tried desperately to pull him back, to get some form of repentance, was he even really sorry at all? She didn't know anymore, and she didn't have the energy to find out.

He noticed the marks of her suffering adorning her arm like bracelets, and for a second there was something in his eyes, something. But then came the confessional, and it was so much worse than she expected. For a moment, her iron-will failed her and she just let everything wash over her, a tsunami of regret and love and nostalgia that locked her in place.

She vaguely realized that he was walking out, walking away. He never fought for her, not once. She didn't know how to be something he missed. Isabelle found her there a few minutes later, the high staccato of her voice being no more than clicks to Clary.

Those memories were smeared, and inky blur of the past. Isabelle had always been good at putting two and two together, she knew what had happened. Explaining to the others? That was a lot more difficult. She vaguely remembered her mother's tears, Simon's rage, Luke's disappointment, and Alec's disbelief.

No matter how hard they tried, Clary had made a final exit of the land of the living. Every time her eyes flitted shut, there was a new memory. Him scoping her up bridal style and spinning her around on a summer evening, kissing her in the middle of saying something with that endearing grin, dancing with her in central Park to music only they could hear. This was a heartbreak that could not be solved by Ben & Jerry's and old romantic comedies. Most heartbreak didn't crack everything she's ever believed in.

After three months since _it _had happened (there were no other its, or him, for that matter) she finally realized that she couldn't keep putting the people she once felt close to through pain. So she pretended to be okay, pretended that everything was all better, but the slightest things still set her off. A seraph blade, sunny days, chipped teeth could spin her into the midst of breakdowns.

That was when she made her final decision; she had to leave the shadow world forever. She understood how her mother felt all those years ago, so blinded by memories that the only option was to rid you of all of it. She prepared herself to Portal away at dawn, giving her final goodbyes the night before, even to Jace. A scrawled sentence on the back of a photograph was all she had left to give him. Even if it was all a lie.

This world had scarred her so deeply, seeped her in so much good and evil, the only thing she could do was put in her memories when she was strong enough to process it. And yet, she wouldn't have changed a thing if she could.


End file.
